Destined or doomed
by Chibi Yachiru-chan
Summary: It was supposed to be a simple raid-one of the many they had recently been going on-until a grave deception led to the capture, with catastrophic consequences to follow. Wanda, determined to protect her loved ones, is yet again on a solitary journey. But as circumstances convince her of greater underlying implications, will she make the choice destiny had all along devised for her?
1. Chapter 1

**Discaimer: I don't own The Host. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: aaaaah, my first non-anime (more like non-bleach) fanfic! I just had this idea that I ****_needed_**** to get out of my system. Dedication to my best friend, whose birthday was two days ago, and I had promised her to write ****_some_****thing (girl, if you're reading this, don't worry I'm still working on something for ****_you_****). So, well, yeah, my first The Host fanfic. And after a complete disability in creativity for over two months, I admit it's kinda sucky, but I hope to improve it as the plot progresses.**

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Chapter 1: Raid

"I wanted the extra cheese one," Lacey complained for the tenth time as she nibbled on her burger, her nose wrinkled as if she was being forced to take in something really nasty. "I specifically told you, like, five times."

"I told you, you don't _have_ to eat it if you don't want to," Mel sighed, already bored of arguing with her.

"But I am _hungry_," Lacey retorted, her bulging eyes turning to Mel in disbelief. "Like literally _starving_!"

"Then quit complaining or I'll shove it straight down your throat," she yelled.

Lacey opened her mouth to speak and then shut it, seeing Mel's dismissive frown. I couldn't help but dislike Lacey too, no matter how hard I tried. Maybe playing so human had gotten to my head. The first time I had so matter-of-factly confessed to Ian about my dislike for her, he had been nothing but pleased. I guess, being human was like a contagious little disease that I couldn't help but catch. I felt guilty enough but the fact was… it only made me ecstatic. She glanced at me in the rearview mirror and scowled, apparently not very pleased with my sly smile. I just grinned at her as I dipped another fry in my strawberry shake and greedily devoured it. Mel always got me the right stuff without my having to tell her whenever she tried the little stunt of stepping out of the van to buy food for us. It was amazing how she had managed to remember small details like that even after our separation. On the other hand, she preferred to just tune Lacey's voice right out as soon as she opened her mouth which was why, for the tenth time in five minutes, we were having to listen to her rant. Sometimes, I thought Mel did it on purpose to annoy her, just for the fun of it!

"Really, whose idea was this all-girls' raid," Sunny muttered under her breath. Her expression was still too stressed. For one, she knew there were quite a few people back in the caves who were still wary of her venturing out. And then she hated every second she spent away from Kyle. It was like second nature for her to always stay glued to him. I understood how she felt, but when Mel came up with the not-so-brilliant idea of an all-girls' raid, dragging Sunny with her and Ian and Kyle supported it, she had to agree.

"I'd expected _Sharon_ to accompany us," said Mel defensively. "Only she's sworn to never step out into the sun ever again. I didn't think _Lacey_ would ever volunteer in a million years."

"Oh, I am just _as_ happy to get stuck with you as you are with me," Lacey grumbled, obviously offended.

"Joy!" Mel exclaimed in a morose tone.

"Next time, I'm going out to get food," Lacey said with a little pout, which would have made her look cute if it were not for my aversion to her.

"No, you're not," Mel said firmly, knowing that would be an absolute disaster. It was risky enough for her to do it, but we trusted her to be able to pull it off. Lacey, on the other hand, would be the last person on earth we'd like to take the risk with. "And put on your goddamned sunglasses."

Lacey just made an unhappy sound but did not protest. It was a fine arrangement we had worked out. The humans could simply put on sunglasses in the day or pretend to be asleep when it looked suspicious. Sometimes, either Sunny or I would put on the glasses just in case we drew any suspicion. But then souls were hardly ever suspicious… except, of course, for the seekers.

"Okay, Wanda, we'd better swap," Mel slowed down as the city skyline came into view.

"Sure," I nodded and took the sunglasses as she slid in the backseat, leaving the driver's seat for me. "You'd better take a nap. We'll call it a day after this town. Now, where is the list…"

"Right on the dashboard. Just a couple of supplies left," Melanie said, stifling a yawn. I could tell she was exhausted but even with things were going smoothly, a raid was still a raid. Which, of course, entailed a lot of pressure. And no matter how bad she needed it, she couldn't bring herself to knock back and relax even for a couple of minutes as long as we were on the move. A locked door between us and the rest of the menacing world in some isolated little inn provided little solace, but at least enough to ease out her restlessness and sometimes, with luck, even get a few hours of shut eye.

"Sunny, you better take off your glasses," I smiled at her in the rearview mirror. She nodded and took them off almost a little too obediently.

I surveyed the road ahead as we all fell into another awkward, prolonged silence. I drove through the town, stopping to ask for directions a few times after which we pulled up in front of a little convenience store. Mel was curled up on her side, clearly not asleep but not in a mood to go in either.

"I'll go shop," I said, scanning the list once. "Lacey? Are you coming?"

Lacey made a face but decided to step out anyway. The shopping wasn't much except for a few things, majority of which was meaningless, just there to emphasize the fact that it was a girls' raid. Like a _pink_ toothbrush. I just shook my head, making my way to the counter where the man greeted us with a warm smile and then eyed Lacey's sunglasses questioningly.

"Ah, my… sister caught a little infection," I repeated the excuse for a hundredth time. "Could be a contagious flu."

"Haven't you been to a healer's yet?" the man asked with a concerned expression.

"Yes, we were just on our way," I replied, smiling reassuringly. "We've been travelling and it just suddenly flared."

"Well, there's a healer two blocks down from here," he said, pointing in the direction. "I could drive you down if you want…"

"Ah, no, I mean thank you for the help we'll find him," I said. "Don't worry."

He smiled and handed over the bags. "Have a good day."

"Yeah, you too," I replied, handing over a bag to Lacey who smiled at him and hurried out without a word.

"That was… close," she gushed as soon as we settled in the car, taking deep breaths as if she'd just been in a life and death situation. "I almost thought I was gonna have to take off my glasses."

"You didn't, Lacey," I muttered, as Mel gave her mean little mocking laugh and rolled her eyes. "I and Melanie have done that, like, a hundred times by now. Nobody suspects, like I said… I mean look at how _innocent_ they all are. Completely harmless. Childlike. And you know this better than any of us."

"Yeah, right," she said, a bitter edge to her voice and I bit my lip as I realized it hadn't been that way for her when her body had housed her host, the seeker… _my_ seeker. "Innocent when you stole our home from us. Right. Harmless when you took over the whole of our planet when we were just curled up in our warm little blankets, oblivious to the invasion. _Childlike_ when you altered our loved ones and turned them into your weapons of conquering. Right, Wanderer, blameless—"

"Shut up already," Mel yelled from the backseat. "Wanda, just stop, I'll toss her out of the car."

"Oh, here we go," Lacey growled. "Always defending the little sister. You _hated_ her more than anyone else ever did—"

"Only because I didn't _know_ her," Mel retorted. "And you damn well know it's all thanks to _Wanda_ that you are here. Safe. And human."

"Mel…" I said quietly. "It's alright. You don't have to… Lacey, I'm sorry."

"Wanda…" Mel started but found no words to continue.

Because it was true. We had been wrong… all along. The acid in Lacey's voice, the resentment… it would never go away. Because we had been wrong. In taking away everything they had. Everything that made their lives colorful amidst all the chaos. Because we had been so, so wrong. They had every right to hate us.

Which did not make the stinging words hurt any less. Lacey, no matter how obnoxious, was nothing if not honest. She was right… when she stated I had no right to live under the same roof with the humans… when she stated that I was living an illusion if I thought I would ever be welcome in their lives… when she stated that I could never be human the way they were, the way _she_ was… when she stated… that I could not hope to live with Mel and Jared and Jamie forever… when… she stated… that I could not love or be loved by Ian forever… _STOP!_ I told myself as I pressed the sleeve of my shirt to the corner of my eye to soak in the moisture. I was guilty in the crime… and a coward. Too complacent in my little shell to think any further. Guilty of coveting. Guilty… of denying the truth.

"Wanda, pull up right there in that inn," Mel said. "We're calling it a day."

I nodded and slowed down before killing the engine. The sudden quiet was unsettling as I tried to block out any more thoughts.

We walked into the inn and as we had done a hundred times, I walked up to the reception as Sunny and Lacey unloaded a few things and Mel studiously glared into a magazine, immersed in the hot pink nail arts and frilly dresses. We settled into two tiny rooms—Mel and me in one, Lacey and Sunny (with a little apology and convincing) in the other—shutting out the world for another unnerving night. One that was going to be very long. With just the prologue to the chaos to follow.

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**A/N: so I'll keep the chapters short and try to update more often. Because, yes, like all other Host fans, my thoughts of where it would go if there were a second book have snowballed into this huge plot which I'm not giving up until the very end.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please leave a review… 'cause that would be really nice :3**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Host. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: Sorry for the late update. I've been buried in assignments and research paper work and tonnes of what-not *sweatdrop***

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Chapetr 2: Deception

The washroom door hardly could have been able to muffle the loud bang of the door announcing Mel's return. I could even hear the soft click of the lock over the running water.

"Wanda," Mel called from the other side. "You still in there?"

"Yeah," I replied almost inaudibly. Her presence was all the more reason for me wanting to stay in. I let the warm water beating down on my bruises absorb all my concentration, deciding to keep myself shut in until I could block the voices screeching in my head.

"Honestly…" Mel's voice was soft, coming from just near the door. "Trying to drown yourself or what?"

"I… I'll be right out in a sec," I said a little louder, hoping the gargle of water would cover for my shaking voice. Shutting off the shower, I turned towards the mirror, wrapping myself in the soft towel. I could have sworn I'd gotten used to seeing myself in Pet's body by now but the spotlessly clean mirrors at inns could hardly be compared to the dirty, stained ones back in caves. There was no sign of the toil-hardened rebel in the face of the girl in the mirror. For once, I didn't know if I should feel disappointed or relieved. I wondered which Ian liked better.

"I was almost wondering if you'd passed out," said Mel with a half relieved smile as I stepped out. "Was gonna break in in a minute."

"And caused more than our fair share of troubles," I grinned. "That's second nature to you though."

"No, I could bail us out easy," she replied before her grin was replaced by a very familiar frown. "Wanda, are you alright?"

"Ye-yes," I tried to sound upbeat, ignoring her gaze as I fidgeted in the bag. "Why'd you ask?"

"Wanda," Mel sighed, putting her hands on my shoulders and turning me around to face her. Her eyes bore into mine and I knew by the look how she read me like an open book. "You know you still are a pathetic liar, don't you?"

"Mel…" I started as she gave me a pained smile and pulled me close.

"I know, Wanda," she said softly. "You won't have me blame Lacey and I won't, okay. I understand how she feels. But you and I both know where her bitterness has come from. You shouldn't take it to your heart."

"I wouldn't," I whispered, trying to subdue the tears. "Only, it's just so true, Mel—"

"It's _not_," she cut me off. "Wanda… honestly, I thought these last few days should've been enough to give you a sense of belonging. Convince you of how central you have become to the survival of our rebel outpost—"

"It's only a matter of habit, isn't it?" I said, clenching my teeth so my voice wouldn't betray me. "They'd been surviving before I turned up with you."

"But what would it be, Wanda? Without you… what would it be like for Ian… and Jamie and Jared and _Kyle_… and me… uncle Jeb, doc… even aunt Maggie—though she would never say it out loud…" Mel looked at me painfully and then turned away, trying to resist but ending up sniffing anyway. "Why do you think we made you stay, Wanda? We all need you… only you never acknowledge it."

"Mel…" I tried to speak but the impact of it all left me struggling. Yes… they'd made me stay… Ian and Jamie and Jared and Mel. They'd gone through so much just for the sake of having me back. The memory of Ian sobbing in my laps flashed through my mind. And then the faces of all of them… their pained expressions at the tribunal that was called for repudiating my decision. And I knew I was as essential to their existence as they were to mine. I couldn't even think of having to live without Ian… ever. And my flagrant disregard to their feelings for me, the pains they took to keep me… how could I have not seen this before. That I was hurting them by even considering this. I was hurting Mel by talking about it even after I knew all this.

"Mel… I'm sorry," I managed to choke out in a bare whisper as I staggered towards her and wrapped my arms around her. "I… I'm so sorry."

"Do you understand, Wanda?" she sniffed again as she hugged me back. "You're not here for your sake. You're here for us. We _need_ you."

"I know," I mumbled, a teardrop falling down my cheek even as I tried to hold it back. "I love you, sister."

"Ditto, sister," she grinned, sniffing again. "Now let's get our dinner. My stomach is _growling_!"

"Yeah."

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"Melanie? Wanderer?" Sunny knocked softly on our door as we were about to settle into our beds. "Got a minute?"

"Sure," Mel got up and opened the door, grinning at Sunny, who was standing timidly in the corridor. She managed a tiny smile as Mel gestured for her to come in.

"I… uh, was just wondering if… it would be alright…" she looked at me for a second before her gaze dropped to the floor again. "For… me to… step out for a bit?"

"Yeah," Mel shrugged, smiling as she held out the car keys.

"Eh?" Sunny blinked at her in shock. "Just like… that?"

"Come on, Sunny," I said, seeing her quizzical expression, a little nostalgic feeling sweeping me as I remembered how uncertain I felt about Jared's and even Ian's trust on the first few raids. "We wouldn't have even suggested your coming out with us if we didn't trust you. I know how you feel."

"If it makes you feel better, though…" Mel grinned. "I'll ask where you're headed."

"Uh… I…" Sunny played with the keys awkwardly, evidently uncomfortable. "Was going to get… some more supplies…"

"I thought we pretty much bought more than the stuff on the list…" Mel said. "… or did we forget something…"

"It's… uhm okay forget it," Sunny put the car keys back on the drawer, blushing as she turned to walk out.

"Wait, Sunny…" Mel started. "If it's something that important—oh…"

"What?" I whipped my head between the both of them as they stared at each other, Sunny's face going a bright shade of red.

"I get it," Mel giggled as Sunny pursed her lips and glared into the floor. "Go, Sunny."

"I said forget it, Melanie," Sunny replied with just a hint of harshness in her usually meek voice.

"What is it?" I demanded, impatiently trying to get Mel's personal joke.

"You'd understand, Wanda," Mel winked at me before throwing the keys at Sunny who caught it neatly in one hand, scowled at her before her face broke into a relieved, embarrassed smile, blushing harder. "Maybe in a few months… you just moved in with Ian so… well, you'll know… sooner."

"Know _what_?" I insisted, wondering what my moving in with Ian had to do with Sunny. "Come on, Mel, are you keeping secrets form—_oh_… I-I get it."

"Yeah?" Mel grunted as I blushed, finally the meaning of the whole conversation sinking in. "But honestly, I didn't realize… that Sunny had gotten _that_ close to Kyle."

"I could see that coming," I replied, thinking back at how Kyle had warmed up to Sunny in those past months. Ian had told me how very similar her behavior was to Jodi… almost to the point that sometimes even he mistook her for Kyle's old girlfriend. And no matter how hard it was to admit it, I guess, we had all slowly wrapped our heads around the fact that not all the humans had had the luck of surviving. And Jodi hadn't been that lucky.

"So… Kyle moved on…" Mel pondered, staring in the distance. "Can't believe he's the same Kyle who hated you souls so much that he tried to kill us… twice."

"People change, Mel," I winced, not wanting to remember it again. Kyle had changed—a lot—ever since he had brought back Sunny. So much so that he went out of his way all the time to treat me like a sister. When my apprehension had slowly been replaced by faith… and I knew he had accepted me in his life. The road to our relationship had been bumpy—a _lot_ more than just bumpy—but we had slowly crept into the spaces in each other's life that it would just be so incomplete without each other. And that subdued feeling of longing returned. I wanted to be back in the caves. With Ian. And Kyle. And everyone else.

"Are you alright, Wanda?" Mel asked, breaking the reverie of my thoughts. Her eyes held a concerned look as I realized I had been on the verge of tears again.

"Yeah," I smiled at her. "I just… miss Kyle."

"Yeah right," Mel rolled her eyes, smiling as she burrowed into her bed. "Who doesn't miss that idiot… but we'll be back by tomorrow evening if all goes well, Wanda. Then you can go chattering with the blockhead all you want."

"We don't _chatter_ all that much," I replied, switching off the lights as Mel grinned in reply, stifling a yawn.

"Goodnight, sister."

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I didn't remember exactly the nightmare I was having but even as the loud crashing sound made me flinch, I felt paralyzed, unable to break out of the million steely cobwebs that only tightened their grip around me as I tried in vain to wriggle free.

"Wanda," I heard her cry before whatever she could say further was muffled.

Mel. It was her voice. I tried in vain again to turn around, to trace the direction of her shout. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. The stranglehold got stronger as it snaked around my neck.

"WANDA," this time her shout, accompanied by another loud crash, made me jerk out of my paralyzing stupor. "WANDA… RU—RUN. GET. OUT. OF. HERE."

Mel was struggling as two hefty figures tried to drag her out. _Seekers_. I realized, by their top-to-toe black outfits and hard lined expressions. Another man stepped in to block my view as I struggled out of the blanket.

"Wanderer, is it?" his piercing gaze felt like penetrating right into my soul. No, there was something else about them. Accusation. Yes, betrayal. "You are under arrest. For co-conspiracy of rebellion with an undercover human outpost. You shall accompany us or we'll have to forcefully take you."

I looked around wildly. At the futilely struggling figure of Mel being dragged away. My vision focused on a small capsule that fell from her hand as she desperately tried to retrieve it. The cyanide pill. My eyes darted around the room. The splintered lock, a few broken objects, an overturned drawer. And my coat. Hanging just where I had left it last night. And somewhere in a corner pocket, lay the cyanide pill. A split second of thought confirmed that even with the element of surprise on my side, it would be by a long shot that I would ever reach it. And Mel's pill was out of her reach. I couldn't consider leaving her in this mess. Or Lacey. Or Sunny…

And then it all clicked together. In a flicker, the proceedings of last night came flooding back. Sunny. Her evasive request to go out. The nervous little laugh… _Sunny_. _Why? No, this can't be happening._ I couldn't believe it, but that was all I could make sense of right then. Before another familiar voice blared from behind the massive man blocking any space for my escape.

"I _swear_ there has to be another one," the repugnant high tone of a voice, unnecessarily insistent and assertive. "Another soul… like you, like her. A woman."

"Lacey," my voice came out in barely more than a whisper as she stepped around him to meet my eyes. A smug little curve of her lips set in that adamant way. And I knew… I was not the only one changing sides. _Going native_.

My body reacted before my mind could. With an elbow to the window behind my bed, I broke the glass. We were just a single storey above ground. _Not high enough to kill me_. Wind rushed out of my lungs as I fell, bits of shattered glass digging into my flesh. And before my clouded thoughts could focus, or register the pain of a broken rib or limb, I darted across the empty street with a single mission in my mind. _Escape._

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**A/N: Oh, cliffhanger! I've wanted to do this for a while now xD I'm just so burdened with work right now I apologize for such a late update. I shall try to squeeze one in before the 8th of October. After that, hopefully I shall be free and be able to update faster.**

**On another note, I watched the movie of The Host to get back into my muse and… Oh. My. God. It was just… ****_bad._**** Totally distorted! Like, honestly… I wonder if people who haven't read the book and watched the movie would've hated it.**

**Anyway, on yet another note, I'd like to thank ****_playergurl89, walker-jm1, MaiaIsabel _****and****_ ayushi _****for reviewing. It just means a lot to me :3 also, thanks to all those who followed. It just spurs me on to write and update faster. To know there are people waiting to read the next chapter. Thanks!**

**Thank you for reading!**

**Please leave a review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Host. Stephenie Meyer is the rightful owner.**

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY! I knowww sorry doesn't cut it. I've been unfair to the few people who ****_actually _****cared to follow this story. It's just that I've been buried under workload (trust me, there is nothing fun about college after the first two semesters (x.x)) I think I'm dying a slow death. That aside though, to make it up to you (if you still remember the story and are following it) this chapter here is reasonably long. I just hope to not disappoint anyone (-.-**;**)**

**On another note, ****_Playergurl89, _****thank you so much for that ****_huge_**** and awesome review. I would've posted the third chapter faster just for you only if I hadn't trashed the last five attempts. Also, ****_Rose_****, I am glad you like the story :3 that review spurred me on. Thank you!**

**And oh yes, (I'm sorry for such a long note but) did anyone, like, read the House of Hades?! Like, Gods of Olympus I've been so miserable that Blood of Olympus is due NEXT YEAR. I'll diiieee waiting!**

**Anyway, read on… oh there's a little change in the tense… 'cause um, I just skipped onto a convenient time and space. ****_And_**** uh, there might be a little confusion over the italics… if they're thoughts or people speaking… I just purposely did it to add some ambiguity and effect.**

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Chapter 3: Tribunal

I take in a deep breath. _Too late_, I realize, as the air leaves a scorching trail in its wake. Like hot iron brandishing down my throat. I can't take my eyes off the familiar jagged patterns on the wall. I can't close them. Because I _know_ it'll all come back in a flash. _Mel. Flailing. Struggling unsuccessfully._ I know… it'll all come back to haunt me. I fight the weariness to keep my eyelids from shutting. _Her eyes… helpless. Desperate._ What could I have done? I know… I know this fatigue will win over. And when it does, it'll all come back. _They'll _all come back. This time, they'll all come back for me. _What could I have done…_

The drone of the stream is faraway, constant. It is all I can do to keep my mind on its gushing, lapping, impatient sound. Because I know… I _know_ I can't keep those sounds from coming back. Even if I pull my hands down over my ears, the shrieks, the screams, the shattering of glass… it'll all be too loud in the silence. I can't find my voice. But if I did… would it be the same as the shrieks that have been reverberating in my head all this while…? _What _could_ I have done…_

I shiver. Maybe it's cold. No… it _can't_ be cold. Not with the warmth encircling me. He's here. _Ian_. Yes, he's here to keep me warm. Holding me to himself. The strong arms that hold me together. Here. They won't let me shatter. Shattered as I am… at least he won't let me fall to pieces. I draw in the strength from his touch. From his soothing voice whispering to me. From this familiar smell that chases everything out and fills my senses… even if it's just for a moment. Short, ragged gasps… I try to breathe in again. And I cough. Shuddering violently as he holds me tighter. Runs a soothing hand down my back. _It's okay_. Yes… that's his voice. But the words… they don't make sense. Okay? What _is_ okay? Me? Him? Jared? _Jamie_?… _Mel…_?

I risk a look up at him. Into his eyes. Blue. The blue that was deep as ocean… it holds me down. He's been my anchor for so long. It must hurt to try and be strong all this time… for so long. But today, he's not Ian O'Shea. He's just Ian. And past all the fronts that he's so bravely trying to put up, I can see… his pain, his desperation, his helplessness. Of course his words sound hollow. He doesn't believe them either. I know he had loved Mel too. He _does_. Not in the way he loves me. But enough to break him as much as it's doing me. And it makes it harder to breathe. _Mel… what could I have done…_

I force myself to move. Touch his face. And he buries his head in my hair, gripping me closer. I can feel his tears on my shoulder. We're both trembling. My eyes sting. But there are no more tears rolling down. _I'm sorry, Wanda_. Why does he say that? _I know, Ian… I know_. That I am a worthless parasite. That I am a failure. A good-for-nothing centipede. _What could I have done…_

_You could have died trying._ Yes… that chiding voice is mine. In my head. And it's stronger than I feel.

And for once, it is too much to bear. I shut my eyes. Hit the rewind. Everything that led up to this. On fast-forward. A blur. Mel being dragged away. The jump. The pain. The van parked up across the street. The whir of the engine. The drive down the deserted highway. The panic with every passing moment. The doubt why no seekers followed me. The stolen posters and newspapers. The return to cave. Then everything slows down to excruciating detail. _When I ran into the cave entrance. Jamie came bounding down with that huge, excited grin and hugged me, asking a dozen questions about the raid at once. The first instance of relief as one crushing weight was lifted off of me. They were all safe. The seekers hadn't come looking for them. The news stories were true. Lacey hadn't revealed the truth about this human outpost. By the time the others came down, Jamie had the puzzled look on his face as he looked behind me and then at my face, trying to decipher my expression. Jeb caught on sooner than anyone else could juxtapose. Jared's face darkened in a blink of an eye as the truth washed over him with the sound of Jeb loading his gun. _Wanda?_ Jamie was tugging at my sleeve. I couldn't look back into his eyes. I couldn't stand the look on Jared's face. I saw Ian trying to move towards me. But before he could reach out, I collapsed. The posters and newspapers scattered across the floor._  
I've choked out the whole story twice… maybe thrice, between sobs and hics. The rest, they've covered from the newspapers. The posters still lie on the floor across from me. The hollowed expressions on the faces. Faces so familiar, and yet so alien. I stare into the emptiness painted in those eyes. That isn't Mel. That isn't Sunny. That isn't me.

There is a slight shuffling sound at the door. He's standing there. In the doorway, he suddenly looks so tired, dwarfed by the soaring reflections throwing sharp, jagged patches of dark around him. _Jared_. I can't even call his name without breaking him in some way. The strong, hardened-in-face-of-adversities Jared has been replaced by this tired, hollowed, defeated man. I search for any sign of familiarity in that face but there seems to be nothing. Nothing except the helpless desperation I've seen reflected in Ian. In me. Only, it's ten-fold.

Ian gently shifts me down from his lap onto the mattress. I want to clutch him, stop him, get him back on my side. But he's already moving away. As if on cue by a silent exchange I couldn't catch. How can he just abandon me? Now, when I need him the most. When I need all the strength he can lend me. Because I can't face this Jared. Not alone. Not like this. Not yet. Maybe he doesn't read the terror on my face. Or if he does—because I know he can read me like the back of his hand—he doesn't comprehend. Or agree. Or wish to stay. With a last look at Jared—a hidden warning somewhere, maybe—he shakes his head and walks out.

It's just his short, agitated breaths and mine. That's all I hear as the world fades out around the sharp focus of his eyes boring into me. _I know_. I hold back a sob. I can't meet his eyes. He has every right to accuse me. It's a déjà vu. We've been like this before. When I showed up in the caves, searching, hoping, seeking acceptance somewhere. Only, then, I had at least showed up _with _Mel. This time, I've brought nothing but disaster. Yes, he has every right to blame me. _What could I—_

_YOU _COULD_ HAVE DIED TRYING._

Yes, I remember when I had once asked Jared why he'd risked everything, put everybody's life—his own being doubly jeopardized—at stake for the sake of Jamie. He'd simply shrugged and answered, _it's better to die trying than live without the kid_. Then why had I not been able to do the same? Why had I not even _tried_ to save Mel. Was it because I was too scared? Or because I knew I _couldn't_ have done anything? Or because I was trying to look for an escape in the conviction of wanting to warn everyone back home? No… even then, I had known that if Lacey had revealed the truth about the caves, we'd have been a hopeless case—beyond any hope for help. Everything would've been rooted out of existence by the time I could've made it back. So then why had I felt so anxious to return? Maybe I was still plagued by that germ of hope. I was too human.

_I _should _have died trying._

It's too late to consider that. Too late in realizing how much harder it is than death to see Jared and _Jamie_ broken, pushed over the edge. Once… yes, that was the limit. But for the cruel fate to have played its trick—giving them everything they'd yearned for and then ruthlessly snatching it all away—how could they bear losing her again. And here I am, sitting conveniently in my safe haven. Yes, of course they have every right to blame me.

But he doesn't shout, or yell, or accuse me. When he opens his mouth, a bare whisper is all that escapes. _Wanda._ He collapses on the side of the mattress, his head buried in my lap. And he's shuddering so violently, it's way past unbearable. Way past excruciating. Another dam seems to have broken, and I can't hold back my tears from flooding down. His face contorted with pain, I can't even begin to fathom the depth of his misery. I lift a shaky hand to soothe him. But I know, whatever little comfort I might seek to provide, there is no solace to be found. Without Mel, there is nothing to keep his world from crumbling. _Wanda…_ the raspy whisper is sharp on the edges that pierce straight through my heart. _I know, Jared… I know_. That I have broken you beyond repair. _I'm sorry_…

_I should have died trying._

He's wrapped his arms around and pulled me so close, it's difficult to breathe. He's still shaking. Even though he's so, so warm. He must feel so cold. I can't pretend to understand. His fingers clutching helplessly, digging into me. It's all I can do to keep myself from flinching. Tremors of emotions long buried still get triggered. But they tell me what I hadn't acknowledged all this while. Yes, Jared's love was like fire to me. But what I needed was a healer. Ian. Whose love wasn't fire, but like the medicine I'd needed all along. No, I could not have expected Jared's fiery love—because this Jared… could not _be_ the Jared Howe without a Melanie Stryder. Without her, it's this hollowed, defeated man he's been reduced to. For what seems like an eternity, he sobs in my arms like a child.

_Wanda… how… how do I go on?_

As if it weren't enough, his words send newer cracks right through my shattered being. I do not have an answer. Perhaps, he knows that. Yet he's come to seek those impossible answers, that unavailable comfort in me. _Why?_ Just like that, he's broken. Not because he's weak. But because he's been strong for too long. For too long, we've all looked up to and loved and depended on the tough Jared. For too long, he's pushed this side of him out of our sight. Why now, would he allow himself to let go, let me see the broken pieces he's shoved away under the façade? When it's way past the limits, I don't know why but he's come to seek solace in me. Even if it's just a soothing hand on his back that is all I can provide as comfort, I am the only one he's come to trust enough to let it show. To depend instead of being _depended_ on. And I know I'm not worthy of this. I'm too clumsy to handle the fragile pieces he's putting into my hands. How can I deny him? Even if it's just a sliver, he needs all the strength I can give him. Jerking me out of my daze, the realization washes over me. It's time _I _have to be strong. _I _have to be the support. _I_ have to be there for him to depend upon.

My head starts whirling with an overload of thoughts. Twisting and twirling the facts to look at all the possibilities. With a jump, I see a far, faraway hope… no, hope is too huge a word. There is just a chance—against all odds. I know I have to… die trying this time, than live without Mel… or the Jared we love.

"Jared…" I say. "Jared, listen to me."

I put my hands around his face and pull him up to look me straight in the eyes. It breaks me to see all his steel gone. But I'm not going to let it go. I will all my strength into holding his gaze. Silently promise him what I know is an odd chance with high risk. But it's enough reason for us to fight for. Enough hope for us to hold on to.

"I'm calling a tribunal."

* * *

Doc is pacing to and fro, deep in thought. The tension in the game room hangs dense. Jeb is stroking the barrel of his gun absently. Sharon and Maggie enter, and by the look they give me, I'm sure the little hostility that had melted over the months is back. They, obviously, have decided I'm too big a threat now. Ian has his arm around my shoulder. Even with all the tension, I can relax in his warmth. His presence makes it feel a lot more real, a lot more probable to me, no matter how crazy the plan is. If he weren't here, I'd immediately feel the idiocy of the suicidal mission… but his touch is enough strength and confidence I need to speak up without feeling awkward or downright stupid. Jared is still looking at me with those doubtful eyes. At least he's pulled himself together a bit. Jamie's eyes are still fixed on the ground, as if he doesn't trust himself to look up at us without losing it. How he's become more a man each day from the boy he was, I can't be at peace with it. Seeing so much anguish in his innocent eyes, there's a pang of guilt in my heart… because I know, I am responsible for it.

"No," Jeb says, shaking his head. "You're reading too much into it."

"Am not," I say, surprised at how calm I sound. "They're keeping Mel. They know, after me, that it's too dangerous to try another insertion. The only option they had was to… to dispose of her—"

"Wanda," Jamie looks at me, his red-rimmed eyes ready to flood again. I can see how hard he's trying to keep it all together. I bite my tongue, angered at not realizing how insensitive I was being. Jared puts a hand on Jamie's shoulder and motions for me to continue. I can see he's already catching up. Jeb probably figured everything as soon as I asked him for a tribunal, but whatever he's thinking, he doesn't let on.

"I mean… there's a reason why they're still keeping Melanie," I continue. "Lacey hasn't revealed everything and you'd think they're stupid if they can't see the loopholes in her story. Obviously, they don't trust her. Also, because she's human. They're probably expecting me to act. They _know_ she's the only way they can draw me in… and any of the human survivors. I'm sure they've suspected our existence."

"So you mean Melanie is the bait," Jeb nods, confirming he was already on that track before I even thought of it. "And they know if they can't get the information out of her…"

"Yes," I say, looking straight at him. "And that's our only window. I know the risks are high but we still might be able to rescue Mel."

"We're building it all up on conjectures," Maggie intervenes, glaring at me from the corner of her eye. It's still hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never gain her trust no matter what I do. "That parasite is leading us all into a trap. Why can't you see that's been its plan all along—"

"Silence, Magnolia," Jeb says calmly, but firmly. "Ya see, Wanda, even if what we're thinking is true, we'll be playing right into their trap. They're expecting you to do something like that."

"I know, uncle Jeb. But what choice do we have? We can't abandon Mel," I try to keep the pleading out of my voice. It wouldn't help my argument. "At the same time, I know the odds are all against us and I can't jeopardize any of our lives here. So a life for a life. I'll go. Alone. This could be—"

"See, Jebediah, can't you see?" aunt Maggie shouts, moving towards me with a balled fist. Her anger makes her look at least a decade younger. I'd rather prefer her old though. "It's looking for an escape and then lead them all down to our doom—"

"Wanda is _not_ a traitor," I'm surprised at Kyle's sudden outburst, as he moves to protectively stand between me and Maggie. "If anything, it was that bitch you so doted on—"

"Hold your tongue, O'Shea," Jeb raises his hand, dismissing any further argument. Kyle and Maggie shoot each other murderous glares as Jeb scratches his chin in deep thought.

I'd never felt so dwarfed before as I feel now behind Kyle's protective stance. This isn't a first. For so long have I failed to notice these little changes… when Kyle turned into a protector… when he started defending me.

"Alright," Jeb finally says, looking directly at me. "What do you propose then?"

Everybody's packing up. Nobody had to say anything but it was a consensus that this place… _home_—is now too dangerous for us to live in. They'll all have to move. Where, Jeb didn't say. But they trust him enough as a leader.

"I can't go with you," I draw in a deep breath. "Leave me just the sublest clue to where you're headed. Mel will figure it out."

I don't include myself. I know, for one thing, I will not be returning. But if it's to get Mel back, I _would_ rather die trying.

"…and?" Jeb's eyes bore into mine. If I've gotten just a little better at putting up a façade, it's useless in front of him.

"I have a plan," I look back as intently at him. He needs to know. And agree to it. I can't have it any other way.

"Wanda…" Ian shakes his head, taking my hand firmly into his. "I'm going _with_ you. It's way too dangerous and you know it."

"That is precisely why you can't, Ian" I grip his hand tight. It's turning blue with lack of circulation. He needs to understand the gravity of the issue. I can't lose anymore loved ones. I plead with my eyes desperately. "Please. I have to do this alone."

"I'll go," Jamie shoots up on his feet. The glimmer of hope in his eyes breaks my heart. So innocent… he's still a child. I'd rather not have him grow up if it means mirroring the defeated attitude of the men around. "I'll go with Wanda. Melanie's there, right. I need to go help her too."

"No, Jamie," Jared, I, Ian, Maggie—we all reply together. His expression suddenly darkens—so unlike the crestfallen look he used to have when we refused him going out on raids. Why… why is he growing up so fast?

"Wanda _can't_ go alone," Ian directs his words at Jeb this time—seeing as he knows he won't be able to reason with me. "You know we can't let her, Jeb. I _have_ to go."

"Wanda isn't going alone, bro," Kyle puts a hand on Ian's shoulder. "I'm going with her."

That's when I see the sadness in his eyes that is almost as painful as Jared's. Because I have seen Kyle's relationship with Sunny progress every day. I've seen it hasn't been easy for him to admit the fact that Jodi wasn't coming back. I've seen Sunny wait on him—and hurt herself beyond bearable—for the love she inherited from Jodi. And I feel guilt tightening its grip around my throat. Because for all Kyle has done and is doing for me, I haven't even given any thought to Sunny. How consumed have we been with Mel. Does _he_ have anyone to share his own misery with? Kyle still doesn't blame me. Doesn't hate me. I stare in awe at his hardened expression. He's so strong. Stronger than anyone ever gives him credit for. That's Kyle O'Shea.

"Fine," I say. I cannot deny this to Kyle. He has every right to go with me. Because for all we know, Sunny's still out there… and maybe in more danger than we can surmise. "Kyle and I. Tomorrow, we head out."

"No," Ian is still insisting. "Kyle… you can't even keep _yourself_ out of trouble, for God's sake. I can't have you go and land both yourself _and_ Wanda in trouble. And—no, Jared—you aren't going either. We know this is about Melanie but… no, you can't go."

"Ian, please," I fix him with a firm gaze. "I can't have you come with me. Kyle and I will be fine. You have to stay with Jeb and Jared and _Jamie_."

"But, Wanda…" he pauses, giving me a tortured look before he takes a deep breath. "Fine."

I'm almost too relieved yet suspicious. Ian would've fought and fought and fought till I gave in. There has to be something more to it if he agrees so easily. But before I can read him, he turns away, clenching his fists. Kyle puts an arm around me. He knows Ian's temper as well as I do—maybe better. We know how hard it must be for him. But we'd rather be selfish than put him on the line for an evidently failing mission. On that, we both agree.

"They need someone to keep them out of trouble," Sharon has been so quite in a corner, we almost forgot she was there. But she speaks with the steel that leaves nothing to dispute. Not even for Jeb. I could protest—only if I weren't so scared of her. But I know I'd lose anyway. "Melanie went out to save me last. It is only fair that I am entitled to go."

"A'right this is it then," Jeb frowns in my general direction before slinging his gun over his shoulder in finality. "Kyle, Wanda, Sharon. I'm not having any more volunteers. Tomorrow morning, you head out. We'll evacuate the caves shortly after. You'll find the clue if you survive. Now dismissed. I'm gonna get some shut eye. 'night."

* * *

"Ian…" I'm pleading with all the strength I have left. He hasn't spoken to me in two hours since the tribunal. On the floor, his belongings lie scattered where he threw them in his outburst. I know I'm doing him injustice, but I can't have him suffer any more than this. "Ian, please…"

I pull his face in my hands and force him to look at me. For the first time, I see those gentle blue eyes smoldering. _What have I done to him?_

"Ian… you have to understand…" I sob, holding onto him. "What would you have done, Ian?"

"Wanda…" his broken voice does not match his burning eyes. "I can't… I can't have you leave me like this…"

"I'm not _leaving_ you, Ian," I try to sound brave. Now that he has his arms around me, I can be strong enough to lie. "I'll be back, Ian. I'll be back before you know it."

"Promise me," he pulls my face up to his, eyes insisting on me. "Promise me, Wanda, that you'll be back. By my side. Before I even know it."

"I…" I try to hold back my tears but they won't stop. With a shaky resolve, I give him my word. The last one I know I won't be able to keep. "I promise, Ian."

Maybe—just _maybe_—I could find a way around this plan. It's too big to hope… but I know I have to die trying than break this promise.

"I love you, Wanda," he kisses me with a desperation I haven't felt in a while. His love, addictive as the drug he is to me, heals me again. For just another night, I can sob, content in his arms—my haven. For tomorrow, I might not find this solace.

"I love you, Ian," I whisper. "Always know this in your heart."

* * *

**A/N: I'm not promising faster updates but since I've finally caught the rhythm and considering that my exams are approaching—which means my brain will insist that I do everything else I can rather than study—I might as well just fling out another chapter or two soon enough *winks***

**Thank you for reading.**

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